Staying or Letting Go - Hard Truths About Relationships

Each of us at some point faces the question of, should we continue to pursue someone, or let the relationship go at some point. The uncertainty and heartache of this struggle has less to do with our final decision, and more to do with the fear of possibly losing the "one that got away". You can get caught up in a swirling ocean of self doubt. Because of this, it is always best to assess the situation carefully, using the past as a guide, the present as a compass and the future as a destination.

A Guide:

"Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it."

Couples who get trapped in an endless loop of pointless arguments, dysfunctional behaviors, and even the boring stability of life together, often bemoan the state of their relationship. They do this is because they've forgotten about those previous things, the feelings and behaviors that built the relationship when it was good. Remembering what your partner has valued in the past will remind you of what he/she will value moving forward.

It is said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results. You need to assess past behaviors that brought you together, versus the current behaviors that are killing the relationship. You need to take into account what is important to you, what is important to your partner, and where these interests and values overlap. Divergent interests or values bring stress. They may have been enough to bring you together, but not enough to keep you there. If you find yourself working at cross purposes and drifting apart, it might be time to say goodbye and move on.

A Compass:

Just as a compass proves useful in giving you your bearings and heading in a specific direction, you need a strong foundation when making a difficult decision. Knowing where you are at in the relationship and where you are headed versus where you want to go is the most valuable information to possess.

What sorts of things serve as a compass for your relationship?

* How he/she talks to you: A kind voice may mean your partner is concerned about hurting your feelings. A sharp tone could demonstrate a loss of patience. Being aware of a change in communication will make you aware of the direction your relationship is heading.

* Interests and desires: Pay attention to how you and your partner spends your time. Do they include you, or are you spending less and less time together? Are you less interested in what each other are doing?  Increased separation is a sure sign that there is a problem.

* Big Issues: A common mantra is how much opposites attract. While it may make for sparks at the beginning of the relationship, couples on wildly opposing sides of important issues will likely end up fighting more than uniting.

The tricky part of dealing with the relationship compasses is that they can be prone to interference. To eliminate any confusion, you must communicate about these things and understand what they mean in given areas. For example, his tone may have less to do with a lack of concern, and more to do with a long and stressful day. Her spending less time with you may not be disinterest, but perhaps depression, which might require medical attention.  In any case, these are important indicators and you need to pay close attention.

A Destination:

No one ever gets anywhere without knowing where they want to arrive. This might seem very basic, but continuing to pursue a relationship means knowing where you both want it to end. Do you want a traditional marriage? Are you hoping for an open relationship? Though representing two extremes, moving forward with the right person only happens when you both know which of the countless avenues you wish to travel, and what your ultimate destination is. And remember, destinations have the freedom to change.

In the end, the hardest part of deciding to end a relationship has less to do with your partner, and more to do with where you're at and want to go. Letting go or hanging on requires some serious thought about what really matters to you. The challenge is being truly honest with yourself.  By doing the hard work, you will know if you want to hold tight, or wish them well and move on with your life.

Surviving A Breakup... Difficult But Doable

Dealing with a breakup is difficult.  There are no doubt, a lot of hurt feelings and negative emotions and, regardless of who instigated the breakup, it's probably just as hard on your ex as it is on you. Though you may seem overwhelmed with emotion, and feel as though there is a giant hole in your heart that can never be filled, you must remain strong.  Take comfort in the fact that you aren't the first couple to break up and you won't be the last.  You and your ex will move on... and you will survive.

When faced with the task of moving on, there are a number of tips which will help you survive your breakup. Though it won't happen overnight and it may sound like a cliche', "time does heal all wounds".  The first thing you need to do is deal with the pain.  You can't bottle it up but rather you must let it flow until it begins to dissipate. Otherwise it will eat you up.

Breaking up with someone you've loved is pretty much emotionally the same as dealing with the death of a loved one.  You're likely to go through the five stages of grief:  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally, Acceptance (though not necessarily in exact order).  You need to know that you're going to feel these emotions, you will feel pain.  It's okay to cry if you need to, to scream if you're angry, to write down your feelings.  This is all good and it's the way you work through the pain.

Once you've worked through the pain and reached a focused and calm state (watch the calm the mind technique video), you are in a position to better evaluate the situation and get a clear picture of where you and your ex are at this point.  Is it time to move on?  How do you feel about him/her now?  Is there still feelings or any chance that you might want to get back together, and would you even want to at this point? Knowing where you're at and being able to answer these questions in a calm and centered manner will allow you to make good decisions as you move forward. Not always but usually, you will find that the relationship is truly over.  At this point it is time to come to terms with this fact and take the next step.

Once you've decided to move on for good, it's time to remove any overlaps in life that connect you and your ex.  This includes any property that you two have exchanged or left at each others homes.  This sort of negotiation and separation should be done in a civil and calm manner.  You want to eliminate these connections so that nothing is left as an emotional landmine later on in your lives.  Once you've eliminated all connections and completely separated, then what you may want to do is to perform a finalizing ritual.  A symbolic event which involves letting go by using a symbolic effigy of your ex.  You could burn one of their letters, their photo, throw away their leftovers, delete their files off your computer, you get the gist.  This symbolic gesture is for your benefit.  This will help you get closure.

Finally, use whatever support is available to you, be it family, friends, co-workers. Just because you've moved on doesn't mean you won't still feel pain or loneliness from time to time.  This is natural.  Getting over a loved one is a process that involves time.  Having a family member to talk to or a friend to go out and have a drink with just to get some feelings off your chest can be helpful and healing.  The one thing to remember when it comes to surviving a breakup is "This too shall pass".

One more thing... if you still have feelings for your ex, and truly believe there is a chance you could get back together and make it work, then there is always hope. Click here to learn more about how to approach this situation in a way that will maximize your chances of fixing your relationship.

How To Deal With Breakup - Start By Calming Your Anxious Mind

One of the keys to dealing with a breakup comes down to, first and foremost, getting a hold of your emotional state. Learning to calm your mind and your heart so that you can make the best decisions as to how you want to move forward. Once you're calm and thinking clearly, then and only then can you take the necessary steps to move forward, or if you think there's a chance, try to fix the relationship.

Fortunately, T.W. Jackson has made an excellent free video where he shares his Calm Mind Technique. Basically, it works on the fact that the human mind can only focus on about three things at the same time and using his technique, you are able to shift your focus away from painful or stressful thoughts, which actually calms you down much like meditation.

I personally use this technique whenever I have something pressing or stressful that I can't stop thinking about, be it work, personal or whatever. It works, and you can learn this technique right now. I've included the Calm Mind Technique Video below.

Okay.  I hope that helped and you're calm and relaxed. Now, the next thing you need to do is Click Here, and check out:

 "The EX BACK Handbook" - 4 Steps To Starting Over With An Ex.

It's a Free Ebook by Brad Browning, and you can download it or read it online right now.  Feel free to share it as well.